“Why don’t I feel what ‘they’ feel during Worship?”

I’m kinda the weirdo that paces  back and forth while I worship through song. lay down when i wanna submit my will and preoccupations to the words im singning. move my arms all strange and honestly I kinda (intentionally) forget there are humans in my vicinity.
The other night though, I was tied to a mic and unable to move freely. i noticed the feeling of constraint and how something felt lost for me in not being able to just go ham (that’s slang for “crazy” or “all in”). I didn’t like not being able to just move and give to Him through movement. That’s when something sweet and counterintuitive occurred to me. 
I remember days when I was so caught up in & discouraged by not being able to FEEL ANYTHING when I tried to worship. I use that wording on purpose because I really did  see it as something I could ‘do well’ or ‘do wrong’. Thoughts about this would consume my whole worship time. “Whats wrong with me? Why isnt this working for me like it seems to for them?” I would be trying to worship but just couldnt get myself to feel anything. I Felt like the other crazy arm wavers and body movers were tapping into something I just freaking couldn’t seem to access. They were more spiritual than me. Certainly not more Hungry than me because I was freaking desperate. But for whatever reason, God liked them more and was more responsive to their company in worship. 
Somewhere along the years I learned without ever having a definitive moment of learning, that praise when I don’t FEEL like it, is perhaps  actually a SWEETER offering than when my emotions are running high and demonstrating love to God feels easy. 
To choose to PUT my body on the GROUND instead of asking Him to MAKE me (since when was His root character, force & compulsory love?) and say with my mouth  that  “He deserves and has my all” even when I’m not overcome with emotion. And make the knees of my heart bend to the confession That “He is good and I trust Him” even when I’m tempted not to. That “I’ll take Him over all else the world can offer”…including a husband & more kids. That “i need and require more of Him to do this life”…….to submit my every inch and atom to extravegant confessions like this… while.feeling.nothing. 
That is not 

Fake. 

That is not

Reaching.

That is not
Playing a part.
That is putting your body, soul and mind where your mouth has been every time you said these words before. That is submitting your flesh to the confession that these things remain true regardless of FEELING. 
What a freaking offering! What a beautiful _sight.
This is nothing against my ex, but more an illustration of the opportunity to demonstrate great Love to god: 
I think of how it would have moved me to see my husband stay and fight for the promise we made EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN’T FEEL LIKE IT in the moment. For him to have still honored, served and protected me regardless of his eb and flow of emotions. THAT is true lived out love. That is the thickness of true, mature lifelong relationship. Devotion cannot be dictated by emotion. It is choice. It is submission to that devoted choice. And perhaps all the sweeter when it’s valliance is not faded by a self centered pursuit of emotional arousal. I am not here on this floor to feel something. I am not even here to walk out feeling refreshed. Though I may. I am not here to get-off on the spirit. Yeah I said that. I am not here to feel good or feel moved or feel spiritually touched. Though I may from time to time.  I am here on this floor because I have decided for myself that what I have seen of God, has deemed Him forever in my heart, as worthy to lay down my ENTIRE life, image, pride and comfor for. That whether I Feel it or not today, He is still going to be the pursuit of my heart. Whether I’m in the spiritual mood or not,  He is just as worthy of my strange, vulnerablilty-inducing arm and body movement. I will give Him the offering of: my body made uncomfortable,whether I FEEL it or not because He doesn’t stop being all the things I felt Him to be yesterday just because I’m less aware of it today and more aware of my fears or busy schedule. He doesn’t stop being King because I’m less moved by the reality of His stature today. He isnt less trustworthy today because im struggling to trust today. His charcater is established. So I will submit my pride and my comfort and my mistaken allegiance to my feelings, to the Deservingness of My All, every time. 
What a relief. The sincerity of my worship does not have to wait on my feelings that day. I dont have to like the song. Or the band. I don’t have to feel a thing. I’m not on the outskirts while the weird movers are in His presence. I’m not waiting on my turn. My turn is every time i say “hey, right now i say you’re worthy and i trust your leadership.” And boom. Incense rises up to His throne like sweet perfume that His daughter is here to love regardless of her fleeting earthly feelings and whether she gets anything physical or emotional out of it. 
Perhaps that, is even sweeter. 
Cue: Pressure

Gone. 
Just give.

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